I have several places on line I go to play, my playgrounds I call them. I play a lot on Facebook, I play on Twitter, my various blogs. I like my playgrounds.
I’ve not been showing my face quite as much on some of them lately, haven’t felt much like playing in the last several weeks. Truth be told, I’ve been having a pretty rough, full of suck go of it for a bit. Some pretty dark, ugly, heavy demons from my past have reared their ugly heads to take enormous bites out of me. I don’t like to talk about those things. I don’t like to talk about any of the things that hurt, that steal my smile, my dance. I rarely share my pain. I’ve mentioned before that I don’t like the public bleed, it isn’t me. I don’t blog it, I don’t FB status or Tweet it. I hide it. I withdraw, I pull back, I suffer in as much silence as I can. When I can’t contain my suffering and have nowhere to write it and get it out, I go to my private lj.
Private is just who I am.
Out here where people can see me, this gets me in some trouble. People don’t know what’s up with me, they misunderstand, they misjudge. They read things into what I say that just aren’t there, things get twisted and out of joint, they wonder when I will help them, be there for them, give to them, or any number of other things. Happens out here in the real world too. I suppose that’s understandable. Not knowing the specifics of what I’m going thru, I can’t expect them to fully understand me. But I am who I am. Just as they are who they are. Unfortunately, it all adds to my pain, my anxiety, feels like I can’t breathe. Makes things worse. So I withdraw more. And more.
I’ve been trying to keep up a presence on my playgrounds. Trying to get out of my head, out of my pain and find my smile again. It hasn’t been working very well. But I’ve been trying, hoping to distract myself, make the nightmares stop. Even if just for a minute. Unfortunately for me, they just keep getting worse instead of better. Just when I think I’m making some progress, a new demon comes calling. Claws me back under. Damn demons anyway.
I’m just finding myself on a vicious cycle of fucking suck.
Saturday, I found out that a very important person to my daughter and I died. It’s the second death I’ve gone thru in 7 days. To say I couldn’t deal, to say that I’d lost my smile, my happy… is an understatement. I was already bordering a complete breakdown. Or perhaps I was having one… not sure.
Blah blah blah… suck.
My point is not to do a public bleed, my point is that this day I had people that made me smile. I actually had people make me smile several times this week. It blew my mind each time. They weren’t trying to do what they ended up doing, hell, most of them have no friggin’ clue what’s up. It’s just who they are I suppose.
Regardless of what they did or didn’t know, regardless of whether or not they meant to, I wanted to thank them all the same.
My friend from miles away, who just always knows, the one that can read me, for real, and even knows how to get me to talk, helps me to work thru the suckage. I cherish you, you are dear to me.
My friend from far far away, who makes me smile more times than I can count and even makes my heart leap on occasion when I open his books. You just have a way about you, and I treasure you so.
My friend that understands my pain, my ugly secrets, and occasionally sends emails like she did again, just this morning… just to send love, nothing more. I appreciate you, and I admire you so very much; you give me strength.
Some of my FB friends, who caught me entirely off guard this morning and made me smile, big. Even made me laugh. You gave me such a wonderful surprise with those smiles. I honestly didn't know it could be done this day.
You guys are the best. All of you. You’ve helped me lately find my way thru some dark shit, see a glimmer of light, you made me smile, when I was sure it wasn’t even possible.
Even if you didn’t know you were doing it. You helped me. And you loved me, as I am, good or bad, here and now. You've touched me, deeply. Thank you.
From the bottom of my heart…