Thursday, January 17, 2013

The great laptop wars

I’ve been having them. Them. Plural.

*grumblegrumble* Friggin laptop wars.

It started sometime last … November… ishish….when I woke up one morning and my trusty old laptop decided it wanted to share my coffee. The whole cup.

She was never the same after that.

It’s been a computer battle since then. One by one things started going all coffee hinky on me. Keyboard died almost immediately, but I was ok as long as I plugged one in. And didn’t turn off the laptop. If I did, it would scream at me upon restart and only work if I … smacked it.

I smacked it a lot.

Not sorry.

Eventually, the screaming got too loud, too often and typing anything but its random lines of 22222222222222222222222222222 became impossible and I broke down and got a new laptop.

It arrived at the exact same time the old one could no longer find its own operating system.

Yay for new laptop!

I was sure I’d finally won.

It was a lie. A trick. A conspiracy even. I’m sure of it.

As annoying and hard to work with the coffee laptop was, this new one and its vile Windows 8 operating system was worse. W.T.F. is up with Windows 8? And who in the hell thought that was a good design idea?

Vile. Vile and of the devil. That’s what it is. The devil I say!!!

The WTFery:

WTFery #1: What in the hell is that tile start screen thing? And why on earth would I want that on my laptop? So it can show me slideshows of my photos? So Obama or Lance Armstrong’s face can invade my space with news I don’t give a flyin fuck about? Or maybe so I can know the weather? The time? Travel photos? Newflash. I don’t fucking care about any of that. It’s pretty, it moves, it flashes… good for it. It’s useless, in the way and slowing down my system.

WTFery #2: Side pop out menus
Is that supposed to be my new start screen? That annoying menu that pops out from the side? At the same time as the clock pops up from the bottom? And how do you get it to pop on purpose? Or does it only pop out when it thinks I need to have it interrupt me or figures I need to stop what I’m doing to have a large clock flashed at me so I can once again see what time it is?

These things are apparently suppose to work when you go to the corners of your screen. Start menus, open program menus, toggle screens… or some such nonsense. Problem is, every time I go to the corners, I have zero popage. However, when typing would venture off past the ½ way mark on my screen… the computer thought I wanted menu flash so it would grab the mouse, like a magnet, pull it over and pop the fuck out. And out. And out. “you want the menu? The menu? The menu?”

NO! I want to finish typing!!!!!


So much hate for the menus.

WTFery #3: Hot keys

The fuckity fuck is going on there?!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

After much research into why new laptop refused to stay connected to the internet (because I wasn’t having enough fun with tiles and menus) I read that Windows 8 is for tablets. That explains tiles and menus I guess. Apparently it explains hot keys as well. Seems they added a gazillion of them to work the tablet built system. Know that that means?

That means typos… are now hot keys.

Know what that means?

That means that as your typing along at rapid rates, what used to just be red and green squiggly lines under misspelled words, now takes you to god knows where, to do god knows what, in some bumfuck computer area you don’t know how you got to, don’t need to be in and can’t get back from. You might be able to get back, but the toggle menus don’t think you want them to pop, so they don’t work, and you can’t find your desktop, or your programs or where ever in the hell you were before shit just started zinging you around.

Good times.

So much hate for the hot keys.

WTFery #4: Where is everything?!!

Desktop? Control panel? Hard drive? Programs? Where the fuckityfuckfuck does it all live? And when will the magic menu popage occur so maybe I can find where they buried everything they’ve decided I don’t need access to? *scratches head* did I find that stuff thru the magic popping time start menu? Or was that in the tile start screen thing…?

I feel like Alice, lost in some fucked up Windows Wonderland, only I don’t remember eating the magic mushrooms or smoking off of the caterpillars’ hookah.

Hm. Maybe that’s my problem. I’m not stoned enough for this shit.

So what do I like about it all?

The Good

#1: It can all be turned off

I’ve finally gotten a hold of computer dude. He’s been on vacation thru all of this fun and has finally returned. He assures me he can turn all this crap off and make my Windows 8 look and work like Windows 7. He says he couldn’t deal with it on his and was able to make it all stop and turn Windows 8 into a workable, functioning computer. I’m more than a little excited about that. I hope it’s true, otherwise I’m taking a sledgehammer to this POS.

So what’s the bottom line?

I guess the bottom line is... it all may be just fine for a tablet. For a laptop? I have so much hate for this system. If I could give Windows 8 a star rating, it would be… less than zero.

Dear computer dude: pls2b saving me from this Windows Wonderland of WTFery before I just take my new laptop out for some therapeutic, blow shit up, target practice. ‘kthx.


  1. It's amazing to me that people will take something that functions just fine (overlooking random blips and errors) and just decide to scrap it all for something different that doesn't actually have the functionality people need. You'd think they'd at least have the sense to only install the tablet crap know... a TABLET.

  2. Ah Computer Wars or known at my house "How We Learned to Love the Bomb and continue hating Microsoft." Had to give up XP for 7, but not without much crying, moaning and general shenanigans. All the luck to you.

  3. You make me laugh. Suddenly my pokey, slightly wonky, but nevertheless wonderfully navigate-able XP netbook is looking pretty darned good. (that I only use for internetting). And if it actually lets me post this comment without crashing I'll gloat even harder!

  4. I know what you mean, I had also to get a new notebook last year and I didn't want Windows7 but, I had to get used to it*sigh* Of course all my old programms like Photoshop, Microsoft Office(my full version), wasn't working on that nice new system, nice isn't it?
    Why they don't just improve one system is a mystery to me or not...considering you older programm are not working with newer system so you are forced to get newer versions automaticaly.

  5. OH GAWD ... I am laughing so hard. This was hilarious, am glad you shared it.
    Transitioning from XP to 7 was rather painless as I recall--I skipped Vista entirely, something told me it would be a trainwreck and it was. I had the same gut response when I heard of Win8's release. First thing I thought was, "what the fuck are they thinking."
    Apparently they weren't. I'm very glad they made it so you can turn all that shiznit off because it's absolutely hands down the silliest interface I've ever seen for a laptop.
    Though honestly, I think Android would be nice on a comp, but I'd want it to be touchscreen capable. And that'd be a pricey beast right there. Quite frankly, I see the industry heading toward tablets with bluetooth keyboards; Microsoft must have seen the same prediction and realized they definitely needed to get on board with a tablet friendly interface. THEY FAILED. So horribly. Ugh.



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