Tuesday, April 29, 2014

Day 25: a sad happy but it still counts #mambaz100happydays

At least I think it does. It was a happy moment for me, altho the whole situation fucking sucks.

This is NOT an uplifting happy. You've been warned.

It's been a rough year for a dear friend of mine. She's been battling cancer for years. The last year has been unbelievably bad. Her last surgery, a year ago, they cut out her bottom jaw, rebuilt it from a hip bone. She finally recovered and went home, after months of recovery. Then, it all went real bad again, cancer came back, and the poor dear just can't keep going on like this. It's in her throat now. The tumor will grow and grow until it gets so big it cuts off her air supply. She can't take any more surgeries. The doctors don't think so either. Chances are she wouldn't make it thru another.

Sucky fucky fucky sucky.

Easter week, her son got a call from the hospice nurse saying she had had strokes or something, and had mere days to live. That he had to come now. NOW!!

So he went.

It took one day before he called me hysterical. His mother had told him she was done. Just couldn't do it anymore. She had what she needed and was going to ... end it. I wasn't surprised by this, she told me this over Christmas, she was just waiting for the holidays to be over, for her children. (they are grown, in their 40's)

He did not take this news well. Not at all. He broke. In a million pieces.

The day was supposed to be yesterday. I wanted to call, but I was afraid. 

Today I called. Still afraid. Would she answer? Was she ... dead? Did anyone know? Dear God, I was going to be sick. But I wanted to check on her. Maybe... I don't know... maybe she'd answer...

I'd say maybe she'd be ok, but that ship sailed years ago. Now I could just hope that maybe she's... still alive. To be honest, I'm not even sure that's the right thing to hope for anymore.

It's all so very very horrible.

Today, I bucked up, sucked it up, picked up the phone and made the call. Scared shitless. But I did it.

And she answered. 

I almost cried.

My very depressing happy this day is... just that. She answered. 

She answered.

I'll take it.

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